Now be nice, I didn't write these
or do I discriminate here. These are some of the golf jokes I've found
around the web...............be what they may, they're golf jokes.
Second Chance...... I met a guy playing golf one time who told
me about an incredible thing that happened to him a few years ago. He was
playing golf with his wife at his home course in New Jersey. On this one
par four he hit his shot into the woods left of the fairway, but still
inbounds. Directly in line between him and his ball was a small storage
shed, so he decided to just chip out into the fairway. His wife said "wait
a second. I've been in this spot before, and if you open the door to the
shed on this side, and the door on the other side you can run the ball
up on the green if you hit it hard and low."
The guy said, "no, I think I'll just take my chances with chipping out to the fairway and trying to get it close on the next shot so I can save my par." His wife however, persisted that he try the shot so he did.
He hit it almost perfect, but just an inch too high. The ball caromed off the steel door frame, ricocheted back and hit his wife in the temple, killing her on the spot. Can you believe that?
(Now pause and wait for a reply. Then tell "the rest of the story")
A few years later, this same guy was playing the same course and
got into the same spot. He was all set to chip out into the fairway when
his playing partner suggested the same shot his wife has suggested a few
years back. The guy said "no way, the last time I tried that shot I took
a double bogey!"
George...... (This joke works best when you're playing
in the rain or other inclement weather):
I knew four guys in my old neighborhood who used to play EVERY Saturday no matter what. The course they played stayed open all year round even when there was snow on the ground. I asked him whether he used an orange ball when he played in the snow, and he told me that when the snow was deep enough, it didn't matter. He said an orange ball doesn't help much which it goes 6 inches deep into the snow. They would just look for the little hole where the ball went in and then dig around until they found it. Since not many other people were crazy enough to play under these conditions there weren't too many footprints in the snow, so they almost always found their balls.
Anyway, these guys went out one Saturday in the rain and were playing their normal round with some pretty heavy wagering, I might add. But on the third tee, the wet driver slipped in my friend Harry's hand and he hit a shot off the toe of the driver and it hit my other neighbor George in the head, killing him on the spot. I was over at Harry's house borrowing a post-hole digger from his wife when he came home. I can still here him tell about what happened as if it were yesterday.
His wife asked him how the day went and he said: " It was terrible, all day long it was, hit the ball, drag George, hit the ball, drag George."
Last Respects...... This joke works best when you're playing a
hole with a road that parallels the hole:
I was playing this hole one time with a senior citizen and just as he was about ready to hit his tee shot he noticed a funeral procession approaching. He took off his hat, put it over his heart, and stood silently and watched the procession go by until it disappeared.
I said, "That's really nice of you. Do you always do that when a funeral goes by?
He said "No, not usually, but I it's the least I could do in this case. I was married to the woman for 40 years!"
Gorilla Golf...... There were these two guys who played golf
together frequently. The one guy was several strokes better than the other
guy, but the lesser player was very proud, and never wanted to take any
strokes to even up the game. Finally, one Saturday morning he shows up
with a gorilla at the first tee. He says to his friend, " You know, I've
been trying to beat you for so long, I'm about ready to give up. But I
heard about this golfing gorilla, and was wondering if it would be OK if
he plays for me today. In fact, if you're willing, I'd like to try to get
back all the money I've lost to you this year, which I figure comes to
about a thousand bucks. You game?" The other guy thought about it for a
minute, and then decided to play the gorilla, thinking, "after all, how
good could a gorilla be at golf?"
Well, the first hole was a straightaway par 4 of 450 yards. The guy hits a beautiful tee shot, 275 yards down the middle, leaving himself a 6 iron to the green. The gorilla takes a few powerful practice swings and then laces the ball 450 yards, right at the pin, stopping about 6 inches away from the hole. The guy turns to his friend and says "that's incredible, I would have never believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. But you know what, I've seen enough. I've got no interest in being totally humiliated by this gorilla golfing machine. You send this f***ing gorilla back to where he comes from--I need a drink, better make it a double, and I'll write you a check." After handing over the check, and well into his second double the guy asks, "By the way, how's that gorilla's putting?" The other guy replies "same as his driving" "That good, huh?" " No, I mean, he hits putts the same way--450 yards, right down the middle!"
Culture Exchange...... The Italian had never played golf before and
so he asked for some tips before starting the game. The American decided
to teach the Italian the proper way to putt a golf ball.
The American said, "You take this stick and hit the balls so that they roll into the hole". The American putted away and sank the ball from 20 feet in a single stroke.
The Italian replied, "In America, you leave your sticka outta and a putta your balls in da hole, but in Italia, we put our sticka inna da hole and leave our balls out"!
Streaker... Four women were out on the golf course, when
one pointed out a white blur approaching from a distance.. As it grew closer,
they could see it was a streaker drawing near.. As the nude guy ran past
the women one said ' My golly, who is that ? Was that Dick Green ..??'
Another answered, "I don't think so, I think it was just the reflection."
The Lucky Ball...... A guy is standing in front of his locker at
the country club admiring a golf ball he has in his hand.
One of his golfing buddies says to him, "What'd you do, get some new golf balls?"
"Would you believe that this is the greatest golf ball ever made? You can't lose it. You hit it into therough and it whistles. You hit it into the woods and a bell inside goes off. If you drive it into a lake,a big burst of steam shoots up six feet in the air for two minutes."
"That's great. Where did you get it?" "I found it."
Cheaters...... Jeff and Ian were out for their usual round
of golf one day. "Tell you what, Ian, let's make this game worth our time.
I'll bet you a dollar that I score lower than you do this round."
"Sounds good, Jeff."
And they were off. They matched scores for the first eight holes, and things were looking good when they teed off on the ninth. After their first drives, they trooped off for the next stroke. Problem was, Jeff could not find his golf ball. He looked all over, but to no avail. "Ian, help me look for the ball!"
"I'll look around from here, Jeff, but don't forget--a lost ball counts as four strokes!"
Jeff looked around some more, but couldn't find the ball. Finally, out of desperation, he snuck a new ball out of his pocket, and dropped it on the ground when Ian was not looking. "Ian, I've found it!" he then yelled.
Ian exploded: "You cheater! How dare you! I never thought that any man I played a friendly round with would stoop to cheating for a mere dollar!" Jeff replied, "What do you mean 'cheater'? I found that ball, I'll play it where it lies!" Ian said,
"That's not your golf ball! I've been standing on your ball for five minutes!"
Free Fall...... What's's the difference between a bad golfer
and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn." A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK!
The Bee Sting...... A lady and some of her freinds were out golfing
at the local Country Club. While out on the course a Bee lands on her and
stings her. After finshing their round of golf the lady goes to the Pro.Shop
and tell's them about the Bee. The golf Pro asks her where she was bit,
and she says it was between the 1st.and 2nd.hole.
The Pro say well I know what your problem is "your stance is to wide."
Holy Golf...... Jesus and moses were sitting up in heaven,
talking about the earth, and some things that they never got to do when
they were there. Jesus says to Moses, "Man, I really want t go and play
just one game of golf. Maybe God will let me go and play a game."
So Jesus went and asked god if he could play a game of golf. "Well, I suppose", says God "but Moses has to go with you to be your caddy. Jesus and Moses agree, and soon find themselves at pebble beach, with golf shoes, and a bag of clubs and one ball.
Jesus had been playing a good game, when he came to the 9th hole, and saw a plaque. It said, "The only person to ever score a hole in one on this hole was Arnold Palmer."
"Well", says Jesus, "If Palmer could do it, why can't I? I'm Jesus Christ" Moses gives him his ball and tee, and stands back to watch. Jesus adjusts his robe and halo, fixes his stance and exhales deeply. He shouts "Fore!" ad whacks the ball. It sails into the air, hooks a little to the left, and splashes nicely into the water trap.
"Oh, no!", says Jesus. "That was my only ball! Hey Moses, could you go and get it for me?"
Moses goes down to the water trap, parts the water, and walks in and gets the ball back. Jesus tees off "Fore!" and it sails down into the water trap. "Hey moses..." but Moses was already on his way to get the ball Moses came back, but before he gave back the ball, he said, "I'm tired of getting your ball. If you hit it in the water again, you can go get it."
Jesus takes the ball, and sure enough, he hits it straight into the water. Then he goes down to the water, and starts to look for the ball, walking on top of the water.
Some other golfers start to play through, and they notice some guy walking around on the water, so one guy says to Moses, "Who's that guy think he is.......Jesus Christ or something?"
"No", replies Moses, "Arnold Palmer."
Mother Nature...... There were these two golfers, who golf occasionally.
Well on the first hole, the first golfer sliced his ball way to the left.
The second golfer goes and hits the ball way to the right. Upon coming
to his ball the first golfer starts hacking away at the beautiful buttercups
to try and find his ball. All of a sudden Mother Nature appears and asks
the young man why he is ruining these buttercups.He tells her that he can't
find his ball.
"Enough!" says Mother Nature your punishment for ruining these buttercups is that you have to go without butter for a whole year!!! And the man replied started bitching and cussing. Mother Nature replied why, you can't go without butter for a year?
He replied No it's not that. It's just that my friend hit his ball into the pussywillows to the right.
A Lesson...... The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing
lesson. "Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?" she asked the instructor.
"P-u-t-t is correct," he replied. "'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."
Would You Marry again?...... A wife asks her husband, "If I died, would
you marry again?"
"I would!"
"And would you let her come into my house?"
"I would!"
"Would she be working in my kitchen?"
"She would!"
"Would she sleep in my bed?"
"She would!"
"Would she put her clothes in my press?"
"She would!"
"Would she have my Renault 4?"
"She would!"
"Would she use my golf clubs?"
"DEFINITELY NOT!"
"Why?"
"She's left-handed!"
In Passing......A German, Englishman and American are traveling
on a train. They get bored and start telling each other about their families.
The German says I have 4 kids, one more and they'll make a basketball team.
The Englishman says huh! Thats nothing I have 10 boys, one more and I'll be the world-champion soccer-team's coach.
The American starts laughing. He says I've had 17 wives and no kids!! But one more wife and I'll open a golf course!
Another Lesson...... A "golf widow" concedes that if she is ever
to see her husband she needs to learn the game. So she goes to the country
club and signs up for lessons with the golf pro. They get out to the course
and the pro instructs her to hold the club as she would her husband's organ.
She hits the ball and the pro exclaims "Beautiful!! Great shot, right down
the center of the fairway! Now, take the club out of your mouth and we'll
go for distance."
Stranded......A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed
ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach he sees
a beautiful unclad nymphet standing over him. She asks, "Would you like
some food?"
The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week noo, and I am verra hungry!"
She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a heaping helping of haggis. (A Scottish delicacy about which the less said, the better.) When he has choked it down, she asks, "Would you like something to drink?"
"Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra hungry and I wad verra much like a drink!"
She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75 year old single-malt Scotch whiskey! The Scotsman is beginning to think that he's in heaven when the unclad nymphet leans closer and says, "Would you like to play around?"
"Och, lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!"
Stranded, yet again...... There was a man who had been stranded on a
desert island for the last twenty years, when all of a sudden a beautiful
girl steps up from the sea, wearing a wet suit.
She: "Would you like a cigarette?"
He: "Sure." (He takes one from the wet-suit, light it, and smokes it.)
She: "Would you like a martini?"
He: "Sure." (He gets the very special 007 shaken, not stirred, martini from her wet suit.)
Then she says, with a gleam in her eye: "Would you like to play around?"
He: "I don't believe that you've got a set of golf clubs in there!"
Jesus strikes again......Jesus and Arnold Palmer were playing golf.
It's Arnold's turn to tee off, and he does so. It's a long drive straight
up the fairway, and he's about a seven iron off the green. "Not bad," Jesus
says. So He steps up to tee off, and his too is a straight drive up the
fairway, but a little short.
Just as the ball comes to a stop, a gopher pops out of its hole, grabs the ball in its mouth and starts to run up the fairway. Before it can even get ten feet, an eagle swoops down out of the heavens and grabs the gopher in its mouth and flies off towards the green. Just as the trio gets above the hole, a lightning bolt strikes out of a cloudless sky and vaporizes both the eagle and the gopher. The ball drops straight down into the hole for a hole in one.
Arnold Palmer turns to Jesus and says, "Are you going to play golf or are you going to fool around?"
Heaven or Hell...... There was this basically-good man who died
and appeared before St. Peter at the Holy Gates. St. Peter checks out his
books and discovers that there is a problem. He says that there is no clear
answer in the books on where the man is supposed to go, Heaven or Hell.
He suggests that the man go to Hell and check it out, so that he may make
the decision himself. If he didn't like what he saw there, he could come
back to Heaven.
Well, this man had only one true vice while he was alive. It seems he had an uncontrollable desire to play golf at any opportunity. He had traveled the world playing all the famous golf courses.
When the man arrived in Hell, Satan welcomed him, but he too was surprised at the man's situation. He had assumed that since the question about the man's ultimate destination wasn't clear, the man would go to Heaven. The man could just see behind Satan a Most Beautiful Golf Course. It had beautiful trees, blue ponds, water separating the fairways, everything. The man fell in love with at at first site, and he couldn't control himself. He just had to play a round. The devil showed him a wonderful electric golf cart, a perfect leather bag, a matched set of clubs. Satan reached into his pocket and presented the man with a Golden Tee. The devil then said that only members could play. The man couldn't control himself. He just had to play there.
He goes back up to Heaven and tells St. Peter that he has decided to stay in Hell so he could play on the Beautiful Golf Course there.
When the man returns to Hell, he approaches Satan and asks for a tee time. The devil says that anytime at all, the man could play. No one else uses the course. Chuckling with glee, the man approaches the first tee. He gets out of his beautiful golf cart, reaches for his perfectly matched clubs and selects his driver, reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out his Golden Tee, then frantically searches everywhere for a ball. Satan comes up and the man asks him for a ball.
"That's the Hell of it," says Satan.
The Punishment......It seems there was this priest who just LOVED
to golf, but he had been very busy for many months and had not been able
to get away to go golfing. Well, one Sunday morning he woke up and felt
he just HAD to go golfing. The weather was just beautiful.
He called up the Bishop and claimed he had a really bad case of laryngitis and couldn't preach, so the Bishop told him to rest for several days. He then got out his clubs and headed off for the golf course.
He set up at the first hole, making sure no one was there to see him playing hookey, and blasted the ball with his wood. It was a beautiful shot! It went straight and true. It bounced, and bounced (right up onto the green) and rolled its way closer... and closer... a hole-in-one!! The priest jumped up and down in his excitement, praising the Lord and shouting hallelujahs!
He struts off to the green, collects his ball, and tees off at the second hole, repeating his performance on the first hole, much to his astounded delight.
All this time St. Peter and God have been watching him from the gates of heaven. St. Peter has finally seen enough to pique his curiousity. "Lord," he says, "this priest seems to be a real trouble maker. He ignored his congregation and even LIED to go golfing. And now you reward him with a hole-in-one! Why?"
God smiles and looks over at St. Peter and says, "I'm punishing him." St. Peter looks very confused and asks God for an explanation. God replies, "Well, after he finishes his game by himself, who can he tell his story to?"
Confession...... A man went to Confession and said to the priest,
"Forgive me, Father. I used the F-word this week."
"Ah, my son. Tell me the circumstances which caused you to use the F-word. After all, I can understand a person being provoke into using it."
"Well, I was golfing and I had just hit a beautiful tee-shot that sailed straight as an arrow for 280 yards, but then suddenly sliced into the woods."
"That is when you used the F-word. I can appreciate your frustration, my son, as I am a golfer myself."
"No, I stayed cool at that point, Father. I then hit a perfect shot out of the woods, but suddenly it landed in the sand trap."
"Now, I can understand you saying the F-word at that point."
"No, Father, I was calm even then. I got out my sand wedge and hit a perfect shot out of the trap right at the pin, but suddenly the ball stopped an inch from the cup."
"Ah, that is when you used the F-word. How frustrating."
"No, Father, I was still cool."
"YOU MEAN YOU MISSED THE FUCKING PUTT?!?!??!"
Mans Best Friend?......A Man and his friend meet on the golf course
and decide to finish off the round together. The friend has a little dog
with him and on the next green, when the friend holes out with a 20 foot
putt, the little dog starts yipping and stands up on its hind legs.
The Man is quite amazed at this clever trick of the dog's and says, "That dog is really talented! What does it do if you miss a putt?"
"Somersaults."
"Somersaults!!!! How many of them does it do??"
"Mmm, depends on how hard I kick him in the ass!"
Poor Eye Sight...... Jeb was an avid golfer his entire life. As
he got into his sixties, his eyes started to fail him. He didn't want to
give the game up, so he went to see the family eye doctor. The doctor said
there wasn't much he could do, but he new of a 97 year old man who still
had perfect sight, could see like an eagle. The doctor gave Jeb the old
man's name and suggested that Jeb could use him to watch where he hit his
golf ball. Jeb, of course, didn't believe the doctor. The old guy was almost
a century old, but could see like an eagle !!??
Well Jeb made arrangements to bring Wilbur golfing. On the first tee, Jeb drove his ball about 200 yards, but of course, he couldn't see where it went. He asks Wilbur, "Did you see my shot?" To which Wilbur replied, "Sure did."
Jeb asked, "Where did it go?" Wilbur replied, "I forget!"
Dumb and Dumber......Two dim-witted golfers are teeing off on a
foggy par-3. They can see the flag, but not the green. The first golfer
hits his ball into the fog and the second golfer does the same. They proceed
to the green to find their balls. One ball is about 6 feet from the cup
while the other found it's way into the cup for a hole-in-one. Both were
playing the same type of balls, Top-Flite 2, and couldn't determine which
ball was which. They decided to ask the course pro to decide their fate.
After congratulating both golfers on their fine shots, the golf pro asks,
"which one of you used the yellow one?"
The Genie...... Once there was an avid golfer who was playing
golf at a very expensive, very exclusive golf course. On the eighth hole,
he had the great good fortune to hit a hole-in-one. When he pulled the
ball out of the hole, great gouts of smoke issued forth, to coalesce into
a genie a few seconds later.
"Because this is such an expensive, exclusive golf course," the genie intoned, "the eighth hole has been equipped with a genie (me) who will grant players who hit a hole-in-one one wish."
The guy thought a few minutes, and said, "I wish my dick would grow longer."
"Done!" said the genie, and sank back into the hole.
The guy continued his game, but was distressed to find that his dick was growing but not stopping. By the tenth hole it had reached his knees, by the twelfth, his feet. Finally, he returned to the clubhouse and bought a bucket of golf balls, returned to the eighth hole, and started hitting balls from the green. Eventually, he hit another hole-in-one. He walked to the green, holding his penis (which was now so long it otherwise would have dragged on the ground), and retrieved his ball. The genie appeared as before.
"Because this is such an expensive, exclusive golf course," the genie intoned, "the eighth hole has been equipped with a genie (me) who will grant players who hit a hole-in-one one wish."
The guy immediately responded, "I wish my legs were a little longer."
New Club Rules......Penang Golf Club
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Re: The admission of women to the club.
Since the admission of women to the club, members are asked to obey the following rules.
1. Ladies are prohibited from touching the gentlemen's balls either with hands or club.
2. Players are requested to remain silent during the short strokes.
3. All players with partners are requested to come together. When the lady partner comes first, the gentleman must not delay his strokes but continue playing.
4. In cases where a long position is impossible, the players may so choose a new position.
5. Players deciding on a new lay must start at least a club's length from the hole.
6. Members are requested to stay out of any hole, showing signs of recent repair or undergoing monthly overhaul until the red flag has been lifted.
7. All holes must be kept clean at all times.
8. Members are also urged to use reasonable precautions at all times as the Management cannot be held responsible for balls lost in the bushes around the holes.
The Nun Caddie...... One pleasant afternoon, a Priest and a Nun
were out golfing. The father deferred to the Nun on the first hole, and
she hit a nice ball towards the green. The Father tees up, then smacks
the ball into the woods.
"GOD-DAMN IT!! #$*^&%$#%^@$# %#&^%&!$, I MISSED!" he cries.
"Father!" says the Nun, "You should watch your language. The Lord will not like it."
The second hole comes up. The father tees off, and the ball once again goes sailing into the woods.
"GOD-DAMN IT!! #$*^&^%$#%^@$# %#&^%&!$, I MISSED!" he cries.
"Father!" says the Nun, "Watch what you say! It is Blasphemy!"
Third hole. Once more the father tees up. Once more the ball sails wide, this time landing in the water trap.
"GOD-DAMN IT!! #$*^&^%$#%^@$# %#&^%&!$, I MISSED!" he cries.
As the Nun starts to speak, a great bolt of lightning sails down from the sky and strikes the Nun, reducing her to ash.
From the sky comes a booming voice:
"GOD-DAMN IT!! #$*^&^%$#%^@$# %#&^%&!$, I MISSED!"
The Hacker......A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country
club, playing golf & enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy.
Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole,
he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and
says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself
in that lake." The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you
could keep your head down that long."
Ouch!...... I was out golfing the other day. The only
good ball I hit was when I accidentally stepped on the rake!
In A Slump...... A golfer is having a bad time of it, his game
is getting worse and worse. Soon he's so bad that he's embarrassed to be
seen playing. He decides that he'll practice early in the morning so that
nobody sees him and hopes to get better again fairly soon.
On the first morning he's quite nervous but he tees up the ball on the first tee and gives it a smack. The ball slices viciously and flies over the golf club fence. The golfer hears one bounce and nothing. He's so depressed he packs his stuff up and goes home.
The next day he decides to persevere and tee's up early again. Again he slices the ball over the fence but this time the ball narrowly misses a man walking his dog. The golfer rushes over to the man apologizing as he goes.
"You were here and did the same thing yesterday weren't you?" the man asks the golfer.
"Yeah, I seem to have a problem with golf right now." the golfer answers.
"Did you see where yesterdays ball ended up?" the dog owner asks.
"No," says the golfer.
"Oh it bounced off a lamp-post onto the main road. It caused a car to skid into a mother pushing a pram. Both the mother and baby were killed instantly."
"Thats terrible," exclaims the golfer, "What do you think I should do?"
"You want to drop your left shoulder."
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